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Staring At The Ceiling

by Butterknife

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1.
Amethyst 05:08
“stay, won't you just stay? please don't leave me fighting off the shadows while you're away." day after day, going through the motions, swimming in caffeine, barely awake. i listen for her breathing coming through the tiny wireless speaker. headlights flicker fast against the black tarmac, then interstate 95, and i have never felt so alive as when we kiss goodnight. and the lights turn amethyst. it hits me like a fist. I am now a stranger in this world. the lights burn amethyst. the smiles curl dangerous. but i will keep my promise to my girl. in the crowd I am allowed to celebrate a fiction. facts just tether me to the ground. in surround, this brilliant sound. counting down the kick drum heartbeats left until I drown. the lives we build, their walls divide and separate those trapped inside. but not me. no, not tonight. just leave me to my own devices, i will thrive in my own crisis. my hands have come untied.
2.
Stagefright 04:51
i wish you'd read my mind and tell me - what should i say? i'm frozen in place. never mind our friends, they'll only get in the way and lead us astray. their voices vacant, echoing, so impatient. i wish you'd take my hand and save me from my disgrace. you've made me betray myself. you give me stage fright when you walk in the room. my words escape me. i never know what to do. my heart is racing. come away, my love, for the night is young, and we are alive. we're all liars and fools when the time is right. that time has arrived. underneath the night sky, swirling in blue and black stripes, stealing whispers like they're going out of style. i'm out of my mind. let's get carried away.
3.
All My Life 02:55
i’m trying to overcome my fear - as impossible a task. a fear as i have never had, though i gave up keeping track. on the nightstand in my room i’ve got your number inked in black, underneath the paperbacks and records long-since scratched. the small talk's growing oh so small we could drown it in our drinks. i've felt this good for way too long though i’ve barely even blinked. walking back the cars were crashing all around but not a sound. you slid your fingers into mine. cue the strings and heart attacks. all my life I waited for the dam to break. i waited patiently. now the wait is killing me.
4.
i was propping up the walls tonight when she passed me on the stairs. a mouthed "i love you" - half apology, maybe - but her eyes said something else. "if you say so but i don't know... those are strange words from someone so cold." we ghost the party without a word goodbye. no one would miss us in the end. we fell into her car like gravity insisted but her eyes saw something else. "if you say so but I don't know... there's someone waiting at home." “it's the last call for alcohol" says the bartender mostly to himself. misery loves company but only saves a seat for me.
5.
Avalon 03:59
it’s a radio station conversation. i’m the long-time listener who never calls. sometimes the words don’t come til later in the night if they come at all. i just smile under the lights, check the exits, and stare at the drink in my hand. but if i know you’re there - if i know you’re there, it’s enough to get me through the door. bring me to avalon. drive us out of this town. spin me in circles and around around i fall in love again. i wrapped my life up safe in cellophane long before i knew your name. i made all the mistakes i dreamed were mine to make. you laughed them off like it was nothing nothing nothing but it was everything to me.
6.
wake me when it’s dark. wake me when it's cold. wake me when the streets have emptied out and all the bars have closed. wake me when the stars are ready to explode. tell me when it’s safe. tell me you’re alone and i can get some rest and stop myself pacing with the telephone. peering through the blinds. i need you on the line. wake me when it’s dark and all the ghosts appear. wake me when your heartstrings pull so hard your head aches from the fear. wake me when you’re here and all the voices clear. tell me when it’s safe. tell me when we've won. tell me when we’ve made the truth ring out and got the fascists on the run. tell me we’ll be fine. tell me you are mine. tell me do not dream it’s over. that I’m not the only one. but inside your dreams whatever they be dream a little dream of me.
7.
where should we begin if not where it ends? is it slowly sinking in or is it my descent? i can’t feel much of anything not even your contempt. this is for the best. breathing backwards can't wash the words away. breathing backwards won’t make your amends. it just breaks you til you bend. i could tell the time of day by the fading of your eyes. you could trust i’d miss the mark every single time. there is comfort found in rage and solace in regret. this is for the best. breathing backwards, such an actor. scratching out your pity novel. watch me grovel. this sinking awful feeling cannot stop me leaving.
8.
snapping awake as the building has started to sway. avalanche of history crumbling under the weight. cut to the chase to the quick to the end. i'm the same stupid bastard all over again. dragging my feet but i’ve got to get out of the way and leave everything that matters. does any of it matter? leave all of it in tatters. focusing eyes hunting scanning the pieces at play. making our moves biding time got to balance the scales. you can pay by the hour you can pay through the nose. all bets are off and yes anything goes. just sign the deal big reveal it’s the same as before: a zero score. what’s that sound as it crashes down. we watch it die but there was a time. i wonder should i ask her? i’m a broken telecaster with the tone knob bust and a buzzing at the seventh fret. i am a mess. she is a disaster. we could be crazy ever after. if my heart doesn’t burst at the first sign of a flicker of interest. my heart is racing faster.
9.
morning sun burns off the haze. squinting eyes focus the page. you read your letters in a daze. this isn't getting easier. in the nights i stay at home. pour it out in microphones and whiskey glasses raised alone. this isn't getting easier. i know it's not a game. i know just who to blame. love will find a way. love will break you into little pieces every day. love is terror in disguise. it has secrets, alibis. a living breathing chekhov's gun lies hanging on the mantel. you can hide out all your life. hat drawn down avert your eyes but the element of surprise is more than you can handle. i know it's not a game how you're toying with my soul. love comes crashing down in waves. we are pebbles in its wake. you can fight for air but sometimes it's easier to sink. there are no mistakes. no villains you can face. love will break you into pieces.

about

Our fourth release. Written and recorded 2015 - 2022.

credits

released May 10, 2022

All songs by Butterknife.
Recorded by Butterknife.
Mixed/mastered by Jim Theodore.
Cover design by Kieran Stone.

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all rights reserved

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Butterknife Boston, Massachusetts

Butterknife is Phil, Kieran, and Jim.

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